August 14, 2014

It's My Birthday & I'll Freak Out If I Want To

My 21st birthday tiara!

I don't feel like writing a clever introduction for this post, so I'm just gonna get right to it.

I'm not dealing well with this whole birthday/getting older thing happening to me tomorrow. 

Being almost thirty is really getting to me. And not because of the number itself really. It's more about where I thought I'd be in my life and where I actually am. You see, when I was 17 I had great plans for my life, and I am not even close to where I thought (and wanted) to be. I imagined myself graduated college and starting a fantastic career at 21-22, married by 23, baby by 25, and perhaps another by 27. It's amazing how one's dreams and goals change in just ten years. 

Then life punched me in the face a few times and my dreams and goals had to adjust. I ended up leaving college after one year, because money. I moved out on my own at 19 and worked my ass off (with no car) just to prove I could make it without help (and I did! Told ya so, Mom!). Almost married the wrong guy at 23, and then had to start all over again. Finally, after a few more bad relationships (one was particularly toxic and still affects me to this day), I met Philip (in person) at 26 and my dream of getting married seemed reachable again. But like I said in this post, my feelings about children have changed drastically. 

As I'm getting older, I'm also having to accept that everyone else in my life is getting older too. It's really hard for me to think about my mom being "old," and my grandparents... I just can't. What do you mean we can't do cartwheels together in the back yard anymore?? Then there are my siblings. The youngest, E, is a senior in high school. A SENIOR. In my head E is still 7 years old and will only eat hot dogs, sugary cereal, and PBJ sandwiches. And there's my best friend Melissa. Her son, Zander, started pre-k this week! I was at that hospital for almost 24 hours reminding Melissa to breathe and to help bring that baby into this world (#proudAunt). I was one of the first people to see his tiny red face, to count his tiny fingers and toes, and to hold his tiny body in a bundle of blankets. Why can't they stay babies forever?? I'm not even going to go into the happenings of my grade school "friends" on Facebook that have made me feel behind/old.

I feel like everyone is getting older/growing up, and I'm just sitting here still feeling like I'm 17 years old with no idea how to really do this thing called life.

Please don't get me wrong. I Love my husband, and I Love our life together. I wouldn't change a thing about my life because it brought me to where I am today. I'm just feeling a bit sad as I reflect on the dreams of that naive 17 year old girl, and comparing those to the harsh realizations about life I've learned as I am entering the late edition of my twenties.


  1. This post seriously made me almost cry! I didn't feel old with Zander starting pre-k, but now I do. Thanks.
    As for your birthday, ma'am. we'll just celebrate our way #drivebywooting next month when you visit and it'll be all better!

  2. I share similar feelings. My life is NOTHING like I expected it to be when I was 17. I like to think that our dreams change because the original ones could have wrecked us, ya know? Some way, some how. At 17, I wanted to be married and have a kid by now. But if that would have happened, I wouldn't have made it to grad school. It's just funny how life works out...

  3. When we are younger we do have these grand dreams and visions as to what our lives should be. Then reality hits and we have to readjust our thinking and sadly let some of the dreams go. It's not that our realities are bad; they're just different. If at the end of the day we can say we are happy with who we are, who we are with, and what we are doing then I think we are doing ok. Kudos for you for making it on your own at such a young age. You are far better off for having that experience. Happy Birthday eve my friend! Treat yourself well deserve it!

  4. I'm sorry that you didn't get to be where you thought you would be... but I think we all end up where we should be instead. I think Anne put it very well!

  5. I really struggled with the time leading up to turning 30... my actual 30th birthday turned out to be fabulous and I'll tell you- I felt no different than I did when I was 29 or even 28 for that matter :) Society places a lot of pressure (and we do it to ourselves too) on women and I think it's really easy to look at our peers or friends or other women at different ages and think, "She's doing this and I'm not even close to doing that." etc etc etc. The truth though is that TRULY- age IS only a number, and of course our life experiences are going to be different because we are all different. It's NOT always easy getting older and watching our number rise, but for me- if I just take out that little part (haha), I'm just me :)


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