Over the past few years my feelings about children have changed. If you had asked me in 2009 if I was going to have them and how many did I want, I would have told you "Absolutely!" and "two". Fast forward to 2011, and my feelings started to wane, and have continued to do so to this day.
First, I have to say that after a huge breakup in 2012 I never thought I was going to get married EVER, much less have any kids. (that totally changed when I met Philip, the marriage part, not the kids part)
Second, I was a nanny for about a year in 2009 (plus I am the oldest of seven), so I have a pretty good idea about what goes into being a parent. I'm not saying I know it all, I'm just saying I have an idea.
Third, I'm selfish and lazy. I like my alone time. I like my house being tidy and clean. I like being able to just walk out the door and go somewhere. I like sleeping. I want all of my husband's attention when he's home. I like having money to spend on things for myself or Hubs (or the cats and Bear if I'm being totally honest).
... a child changes everything.
Hubs and I are still working on us, continuing to build on that solid foundation of our relationship so our marriage castle will stand the test of time. And I don't want to do anything to mess that up, and that includes having a baby.
And then there are all of the questions:
What if I'm not a good parent?
Will I get frustrated and angry to easily?
How will childrearing affect my anxiety and depression?
How will we afford a child?
What if the stress of childrearing strains my marriage?
Will the cats accidentally suffocate a baby?
What will we have to give up?
How do we know when/if we're really ready?
Will I even be able to conceive?
Hubs and I have had a few conversations about having a baby, but nothing super serious yet. We agreed that IF we decide to reproduce, we will only have ONE child. I'm not sure I could handle more. We agreed that discipline will be split as equally as possible. We agreed that our child will not watch snarky Disney Channel TV shows. We agreed that our child will be well-behaved or face consequences. The only things we don't agree on from our conversations so far is our preferred gender. I would want a girl and he wants a boy.
It will be a few years before we really start thinking seriously about having a child. And every time the subject comes up in conversation (because we all know it does), I get the "You're not getting any younger," comment. Yes, I know I'm almost 30. In face, I'll be 28 next friday. Yes, I know it's harder to conceive after 30. Yes, I know how old I might be when a possible child of mine starts college. But wouldn't you rather me wait until I know for sure my husband and I are ready in every possible way to raise a child, than to just pop one out all willy nilly because you think it's time?
So it may or may not happen for us. But you know what? I am determined to be happy either way.