May 20, 2014

Sorry, I'm A Mess Right Now

Going to my mom's for a long weekend threw me off even more than I already was before I left. I am so disappointed in myself for getting so off course and I honestly don't even want to talk about it. I keep saying over and over, how I'm gonna get back on track and make it work. But something or other happens and I don't. Sometimes I wonder if it's really meant to be for me to lose the weight.

I'm afraid to step on the scale and I probably won't for a while. It scares me and I feel defeated. The image of a "skinny" and "healthy" me is seeming farther away and more unreachable than ever. Toughing it out is not what I'm doing at the moment. I'm giving in and having my pity party all alone on my living room floor.

I can't really remember a time when I didn't think I was fat or was slightly overweight. It's become a normal part of my life and I learned to accept it a long time ago. I have never been terribly unhappy with my body. Sure I have some insecurities, but I have been lucky in finding men who love my curves and accept me for who I am. It's a huge confidence boost. My husband, in particular, loves my body as it is, but supports my goal of getting fit.

I don't mean to be Miss Debbie Downer today, but I felt the need to confess my shortcomings to you all in hopes I can use this as kick in the pants. Sometimes I forget why I started this whole thing, why I've been fighting this fight with my body and my mind for years. So I've decided to make a list and post it up all over my house.

>>> I want to be able to sit comfortably anywhere I go. I don't want my thighs to be squished out the sides of chairs or my belly to touch the table in a booth.

>>> Being healthier and fit will decrease my chances of developing chronic high blood pressure (it runs in my family) and if I do get it, it will help me control it better.

>>> I want to be able to shop in any store of my choosing and fit in their clothes.

>>> To wear a bikini at the beach and not feel self conscious about people looking at me.

>>> To not be the biggest person in the room at family functions.

>>> I want my husband to be able to lift me without too much strain.

>>> Most importantly, when it comes time for us to try for a baby, I want my body to be in the best shape to care for and nurture my child during my pregnancy and after it's born.

Linking up with...

AllieologyKeep Calm and Blog On


  1. I wrote yesterdays post just for this situation! Here's a quick guide on how to make a comeback! I like that you shared a few reasons - especially the one where you're avoiding chronic high blood pressure. Break the cycle.

  2. This breaks my heart, because I've been there!! I sort of did what you did, but I wrote myself a letter and put it in an envelope and opened it and read it every Monday for months and months. I still read it sometimes. I like remembering who that girl was. I believe in you and I totally support your goals! You'll get there! xo

  3. Losing weight is a boat I have been on and off on and off for the past 2 years; I know this journey very well. Although I still have not reached my goal, I will tell you that the fact that you are contemplating the necessity of it is is an HUGE part, and the fact that you wrote yourself a list of why's is even BIGGER! Good luck and don't stop believing; hopping over from the Tea Party Tuesday link-up party :)

  4. I TOTALLY know this feeling. The "well I totally sucked last week so it's over" feeling. But, everyone has off days, weeks, hell even months. The important part is to remember that you are worth it and thinking about why you started in the first place. No one is perfect. Forgive yourself for the "slips" and jump back in. No one gets healthier without a little work - but you have to be able to forgive yourself and move on. Hugs to you.

  5. Definitely know this feeling too. But it's CAN do this!!! I love that you included reasons why you want to get healthier because it's such a huge motivator. We all believe in you, girl!!!! :)

  6. Girl, you've got this! It starts with your headspace...deciding to make the conscious effort to make change. Then it's just baby steps. Small little steps to healthier changes.



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