I'm afraid to step on the scale and I probably won't for a while. It scares me and I feel defeated. The image of a "skinny" and "healthy" me is seeming farther away and more unreachable than ever. Toughing it out is not what I'm doing at the moment. I'm giving in and having my pity party all alone on my living room floor.
I can't really remember a time when I didn't think I was fat or was slightly overweight. It's become a normal part of my life and I learned to accept it a long time ago. I have never been terribly unhappy with my body. Sure I have some insecurities, but I have been lucky in finding men who love my curves and accept me for who I am. It's a huge confidence boost. My husband, in particular, loves my body as it is, but supports my goal of getting fit.
I don't mean to be Miss Debbie Downer today, but I felt the need to confess my shortcomings to you all in hopes I can use this as kick in the pants. Sometimes I forget why I started this whole thing, why I've been fighting this fight with my body and my mind for years. So I've decided to make a list and post it up all over my house.
>>> I want to be able to sit comfortably anywhere I go. I don't want my thighs to be squished out the sides of chairs or my belly to touch the table in a booth.
>>> Being healthier and fit will decrease my chances of developing chronic high blood pressure (it runs in my family) and if I do get it, it will help me control it better.
>>> I want to be able to shop in any store of my choosing and fit in their clothes.
>>> To wear a bikini at the beach and not feel self conscious about people looking at me.
>>> To not be the biggest person in the room at family functions.
>>> I want my husband to be able to lift me without too much strain.
>>> Most importantly, when it comes time for us to try for a baby, I want my body to be in the best shape to care for and nurture my child during my pregnancy and after it's born.
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