December 12, 2017

Thoughts During This Christmas Season

I sat and stared at a blank page for hours trying to think of how to put my thoughts to into words. These thoughts are dark and not usually something I want to talk about outside of my support group, and sometimes I don't even talk about them then.

My moods have been so up and down this holiday season. Christmas is my favorite time of year, but now it's sort of been tainted. This time last year I was blissfully happy and pregnant with our son, Colby. We announced the pregnancy on Christmas day even. We had no idea what was in store for us, how could we know?

This year we should have had our son with us. This year we should be buying baby toys and clothes and wrapping them in sweet kid friendly wrapping paper. This year we should be getting ourselves ready for the first long road trip with our son to see my family in Georgia. This year we should be introducing our son to some of my family for the very first time. This year we will not be doing any of those things.

Instead we will be buying gifts for other people's children and traveling to Georgia on our own to show everyone our Colby Bear. This year I am also not pregnant again.

There are many sides to my grief and depression. It's mourning the loss of the life that could have been. It's the loss of possibilities and experiencing Christmas through his little eyes. It's battling infertility and PCOS. It's the loss of two grandparents. It's crying at the drop of a hat to certain songs or to random commercials. It's cringing in pain when I hear a baby cry in public. It's answering the question of "how many kids do you have?" with "one son in heaven." It's anxiety about being asked that question or other related questions.

This whole year is different than what I imagined it would be last year. So much has happened in the past 11 months... and then there is the one thing that has not happened. And while my good days are outnumbering the bad days, the bad days are still really bad and feel like they will go on forever. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but these feelings are a very real part of my life, and I strive to be honest and open about my life in this space.

I do want to take the time to thank everyone for your amazing support and prayers. It means so much to us to know that there are people out there that we've never even met in person that care so much about us and our journey. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

December 1, 2017

You Know You're An Adult When...

There are days when I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to adult, and there are days that I definitely feel like I got my shit together. On these good adulting days, these are the thoughts that take over my mind.

You know you're an adult when...

... you get excited about a new vacuum cleaner.

... you get upset that you're neighbors don't mow their lawn enough.

... you're the one being passed in the "slow lane."

... you can't get on board with the new lingo of the teens.

... watching an entire season on Netflix is a considerable accomplishment.

... staying out/up late does not seem appealing whatsoever.

... you can't begin your day without coffee or some sort of caffeine beverage.

... you need a day after your vacation to rest before going back to work.

... you ask for things you need for Christmas rather than things you want.

... you finally understand what you're parents meant by "you'll understand when you're older."

... you've told someone that they'll understand when they get older.

... wine is considered a food group.

... you begin to notice smiles lines and crows feet.

... you can no longer rely on your metabolism to stay a healthy weight.

... you don't have to call your mom every time you cook a real meal.

... you do your laundry before you run out of things to wear.

... you grocery shop before you run out of things to eat.

... you've thought to yourself "I'm too old for this shit" about anything.

How do you know you're an adult?

November 28, 2017

9 Things You Need to Have for Online Classes

Online classes are no joke! From experience, they require a lot more work than in-seat classes do. BUT! Don't let that deter you from taking them to finished a degree! It can be done, and I'm going to help you.

Besides your computer and text books, here's a list of stuff you need to have for online classes.

1. A good place to do your schoolwork.
This. Is. Essential.
Whether it's your home office, a coffee shop, or your bed, find a spot that will be the most conducive to you getting your shit done without too many distractions. This also includes ambiance. Turn on that classical music, light some aromatherapy candles, put on those jammies. Whatever it takes, dude. Whatever it takes.

2. Post-its
I LOVE POST-ITS. They have been my saving grace on finding references for discussion posts in my text books. I can write notes on them and color coordinate too.

3. Colored pens or pencils
Also the best. I write copious notes, and having the discussion question or essay question written at the top of my notebook page helps a lot. I use a colored pencil to write the questions so they stand out. You can color coordinate these with your post-its!

4. Dedication
Hubs actually suggested that this be on the list. And he was right. You've got to have the dedication to get those tasks done on time. Sometimes it's really hard to push yourself to do schoolwork when there is no set class time. Trust me, I know. But you can always set your own class time by scheduling it out for yourself.

5. A lap desk
Especially if you choose to work from your bed or couch. Depending on the kind you get, you can use it in the car and a coffee shop comfy chair too. Whether you put your computer on it, or use it to take notes from your text books, it can really come in handy.

6. Highlighters
Unless I rent my book or get the e-book, I highlight the crap out of them. It makes finding that info you need much easier, and paired with the post-its, discussion posts and essays will be a breeze.

7. Breaks
Don't forget to give yourself a break from time to time. Especially if you are like me and can get deep into a project or paper and all of a sudden 5 hours has passed. Set alarms on your phone or use your activity band (i.e. Fitbit, Apple Watch, Jawbone, etc.) to send you alerts to get up and move around every hour or two hours.

8. Coffee
No explanation needed.

9. Water and snacks
As with anything, you need to stay hydrated. Your brain just works better that way. And your body will thank you for that bag of goldfish.

Have you ever taken an online class? What would you add to this list?